the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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