Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
