Welp...herpes.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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