dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
