I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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