I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
they're like a gay fantastic four
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
