How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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