i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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