we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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