ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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