I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
