someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
