Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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