She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
