I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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