I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Who died my cat blue again?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
