I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
