Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
