is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
