I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
