it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
