It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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