I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
