What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
