i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
