Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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