I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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