Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
