Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
