I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
There r osticjed everywhere
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
