I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
