I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
