So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
People in love make me want to vomit
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
