so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
