He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
