We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
