Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
