I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
