Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
