Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
