just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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