Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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