1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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