wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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