Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
