i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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