i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
