tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She even gives head with a lisp.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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