so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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