I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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