Your mouth is God's brothel.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
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