My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
