There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
