The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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