I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
