dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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