my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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