Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Barsexuality is the new black.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
