I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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