she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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